The banner image has meaning for me because I created it. When you see it, what does it represent for you?
It is a powerful representation of the fear of what we see, but do not want to deal with. The two women are trying to prevent the bubble from bursting, for if it does burst, the bubble’s content will be on show. The consequences can be challenging. Most of us are either unable or unwilling to face what is hidden.
For me, I had many hidden feelings, thoughts and emotions which fought for the oxygen of visibility. I could no longer keep the metaphorical lid on, so had to find the willingness to discover, not only where the shouts were coming from, but what they were trying to tell me.
It’s interesting how I became a writer. All through my early years, I failed my English exams. It wasn’t until 1994 that things started to shift, and shift dramatically. This was due to two important events.
I was made redundant from a 21 year career causing a great upheaval to my energy and life. I knew something was transforming. I could resist the changes or accept them. Something within me found new threads of creativity prompting a release of anger, grief and frustration.
The other great shift was prompted by the science fiction series Babylon 5 which started its run the UK in 1994. Its creator and show runner, J Michael Straczynski, was fundamental in my use of language and my ability to grasp words out of thin air to describe the pain I felt from all those very dark experiences. There are moments where it is impossible to find the right language to describe what is within. J Michael Straczynski provided those words helping me to discover them within.
I became a healer through happenstance. The shift that occurred in 1994, prompted a reevaluation of my life and I found myself heading towards a more spiritual path. I realised that the initial freedom from pain was only the start of something very transforming. I went on the study crystal healing, several reiki attunements and the possibility of becoming a massage therapist.
Only the reiki for me, gave the biggest shifts as it meant finding a way in to the pain hiding way below in boxes sealed to the brim with chains and locks. Through my discovery of self, I was able to help others find their own way down to their own locked boxes, open them, and to look at the epicentre of their trauma.
I became the pebble thrown into still waters. As I shifted, those around me shifted. For me to fully embrace the freedom I now feel, I have to feel its opposite, and that is prison. And what is the greatest prison: feeling locked in a body that doesn’t represent who I truly am. I am a trans woman. Gender Dysphoria isn’t a nice feeling.
I started at the BBC in the ’70s and became rather good at programming with machine code on microprocessors. For me, my brain seemed to take to coding very easily and moved on to Pascal later. I could think fast and discovered bugs with ease.
When I was made redundant, I took to website design with the same gusto. Here, I can use all my skills in a creative sense to create something for clients who require a different look. Artwork, photography and ‘seeing’ gave me an edge. With my later years with Reiki and spirituality I continued designing but with much more use of intuition, tuning into clients on a different level, giving them an expression of self so they can gain the most visibility for their particular career and choice of presenting themselves in an authentic way.
Most people don’t understand the pebble effect. A question was asked many years ago, “How do you change the world?”
You can’t change other people by enforcing your rules upon them. The universe spins on its own axis, not yours. To become a pebble, you change yourself fundamentally.
When you choose to visit your emotions, thoughts and feelings by travelling a journey into your inner landscape, you can discover much about how you operate. On the way, you find the beliefs that hide in your subconscious.
It’s a very challenging journey, but one that is worth doing as you can rewire your beliefs, and this means you are no longer limited by them.
By becoming the pebble, you ripple out your changes and people respond to that and see a way forward to transforming themselves.